Hey gorgeous!!
Well, as we wind into fall here, it’s time for a very very big (and growing!) announcement – it has been quite the summer for us!
Early in May, we learned that we were expecting our first baby!
And just a few weeks ago, we found out it’s a little girl!!!
We could not be more excited!
Needless to say, this is the beginning of an entirely new chapter for us as individuals and as a couple.
And so it hasn’t been without a little bit of wide-eyed fear and uncertainty.
What is this going to be like?
Do we have what it takes to steward a human being in an increasingly broken and terrifying world?
Will we be able to strike the balance between raising and caring for her and always keeping at the forefront of our minds that she is God’s, not ours?
There are so many questions that come with the anticipation.
It is, at the end of the day, a huge and potentially heartbreaking risk, and one that makes it all too clear how totally dependent we are on God.
But then, most good things are.
There are simply some areas that we’re currently more comfortable in, and other areas where we’re totally aware of our fear, or it’s so intense that we’re trying to avoid it.
Some people are very comfy with the idea of marriage, and have a harder time taking risks in their careers. Others are total ballers in the career realm, but are petrified by the thought of lifetime commitment, and continually run from it.
Similarly, I’ve had many girlfriends throughout my life who have talked about how much they want to be a mom, and who leapt into the calling with joy.
I was never that girl.
And, like my subconscious fear of marriage, I used a good bit of snobbery to avoid the topic and thought.
So many other people are having children, it’s not like I need to.
Aren’t we having a global overpopulation problem anyway?
I want to change the world – I don’t have time to change diapers all day.
And frankly, even if I didn’t want to change the world, I still don’t want to change diapers!
Maybe it’s because my little brother is eight years younger than me, and I felt that I’d already done my fair share of babysitting and diaper changing.
But what I forgot is that as my brother grew up, our relationship was less about me trying to patrol him or keep him from hurting himself, and instead became an incredibly fun and close friendship.
Suddenly I had an accomplice in pranks, a buddy in activities my parents or friends didn’t want to do, and a confidant in inside jokes and heartfelt talks.
So it didn’t occur to me that having a child would also evolve from ‘risk management’ to friendship.
Or, as my mother so perfectly describes it: raising children is the literal act of ‘making friends.’
Looking back, I can see that what I really feared was the element of being out of control and potentially failing.
I would be creating a being whose many features and quirks I had no control over, and whose future and safety I could never guarantee for her or for my anxious heart.
I would be sacrificing my perfectly laid out schedule for God-only-knows how many unforeseen emergencies, unavoidable disasters, and totally topsy-turvy plans gone awry.
And even with all of the best intentions and proactive preparation and study, everything could go horribly wrong.
In fact, last year, it did.
In a long and sad process that will later get a blog post all its own, last February I had a miscarriage. Exactly what I had feared happened: I resisted something that scared me, then decided to jump in, and just as the nausea was fading and I had fallen in love with what was happening, it was taken from me.
The mess of self-blame, hospital visits and questions that followed made me realize that control and independence are illusions.
We are always totally dependent on God – whether we are trying to control every aspect of our lives, or relaxed and riding the waves of whatever comes next. The fact that we even have a life to try to control is because He has allowed it.
And crazily enough, this is ok.
Surrender is where life begins.
We’re guaranteed a little heartache down here. (See: my life verse John 16:33) But we’re also promised comfort and victory if we’ll just trust in Him and stay the course.
And in the meantime, why under-live because we’re afraid of a little pain – which we’re going to experience any way, one way or another?
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One of the things we’re talking about in the Bombshell Training is how surrender and receptivity is the beginning of all life, and why we as Christians are saved at all. It feels powerless, but giving up our right to decide and saying yes to whatever God wants is powerful and takes more strength and courage than anything else we can do.
Without going into detail about the delightful way this current child was created – ahem! – the surrender, complete giving of oneself, and receiving act of two people is exactly why a feisty little life inside me is kicking as I write this.
Surrender to God’s messy and temporarily painful but perfect will is what got Christ onto the cross and ultimately victory over death.
Surrender and receptivity to His offer of salvation is what reunites us with God – not our own perfection, not our own strength, not our own planning – but surrender.
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[ctt title=”Control can feel like freedom but it just keeps us stuck.” tweet=”Control can feel like freedom but it just keeps us stuck. http://ctt.ec/YaQ09+” coverup=”YaQ09″]
As David pointed out to me, there’s never a convenient time to have a baby.
So I jumped in.
And let me tell you guys, this is one of the top three things I have ever done in my life.
I’ll write on and off about it in the months to come, but for now, know this: the most amazing adventure you can imagine is waiting on the other side of that leap you can feel the Holy Spirit prompting you to take. It might not work out perfectly, but God will completely have your back. And as He sees that you will trust and obey Him, the opportunities and miracles will just get crazier and more amazing!
So jump in beautiful – your gorgeous life is waiting! 🙂
Love and Freedom,
Jackie
