Hi Beautiful!
Last Tuesday my husband and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. We were in San Fransisco for a work event for him, but we managed to sneak in a lot of fun, and celebrated each other just about to exhaustion!
The next day we flew back to New Orleans, and in 5 hours of flying I had plenty of time to reflect on our relationship, why I stepped into this, and the intention and preparation that it took to leap into marriage as two messy human beings.
So many of the women and men I speak with and the women I coach (and ahem – I used to feel this way as well) believe deeply that marriage will just ‘happen’ to them. Like a sudden rainstorm they get caught in.
And it’s easy to see why we feel this way, with movies and even real-life love stories that go something like ‘it was love at first sight,’ ‘I knew immediately he/she was the one,’ ‘it just happened so easily.’
But here’s the hitch: even when the story does seem to proceed so smoothly, the happily in love couple likely had to consistently keep their frightened hearts open to vulnerability, keep overcoming conflicts and fears and maybe even naysayers, and keep saying ‘yes’ to each other, to God, and to taking a leap they never had before.
That’s some hard stuff to do! And it’s very ‘active’ rather than passive, even if we’re not aware that it is.
When I was growing up, I had no concept of this.
Taking specific actions to do well in school, stay in shape, get into college, and get a job all made sense and didn’t offend me in any way.
But to get a husband?
That made every little angry (aka hurt) cell in my body stand up and start shouting ‘NO, NO, NO!’
Why?
Because I had a very different heart relationship to the idea of love, marriage and intimacy than I did to ‘practical’ life achievements like academics or my career.
Somehow, ‘failure’ in love would feel like a much, much deeper rejection than ‘failure’ in my job. And so not ‘trying’ by avoiding relationships would, I reasoned, shield me from the incredibly painful sense of failure and rejection in this vulnerable area.
No wonder I was so angry: I was desperately trying to protect myself from a sense of inevitable pain that I deeply feared.
I see this again, and again, and again in the women I work with, and unfortunately in most of the women who have NO desire to talk to me about this topic.
They may feel like they don’t ‘need’ any help or healing or guidance, but my bet is that like me, they are actually avoiding something that terrifies them out of deep wounds and disillusionment, and reasoning to themselves that they are just waiting for ‘the right guy’ or ‘a more convenient time.’
Can I give you the same wake up call that God gave me?
The right guy is probably already out there, and waiting until God feels your heart is ready to receive him.
You might not be waiting on God after all. God may be waiting on you. (He was certainly waiting on me!)
And that’s ok. Don’t immediately get defensive or angry at the idea. This world throws a lot of junk at us as we grow up, particularly in the marriage and romance department, and all of us have baggage, whether we realize or admit it or not.
The worst thing we can do is deny that we are broken here and avoid the topic and the healing we need.
The second worst thing we can do is beat ourselves up for having brokenness!
What’s the best thing we can do? Act.
Decide that the best time to prepare for marriage is long before we hope to be married.
I don’t mean preparing for marriage by having a ‘My Wedding’ Pinterest board, although I do love that! I mean working through beliefs you formed watching your family of origin, media culture, and painful experiences that hurt you, including some you may have shut out of your memory.
And for the women (and men) who do take these actions, what happens?
Amazing things.
A girl I worked through these topics with a few years ago wrote me an email recently, overjoyed by how great marriage has been and how glad she is that she took the leap:
I think our conversation about marriage helped the most. Just talking through thoughts and feelings and knowing I wasn’t alone or crazy was really helpful. I was so worried about making a mistake I wasn’t going to take any chances or trust God–which is a big mistake!
The main thing was learning to trust God and believe that he created marriage and that it is good. Realizing God designed marriage and that I could trust him that it was good freed me up to stop worrying about it and to trust him when people came along.
By the time my wonderful husband came along I was able to stop and listen to God and trust that he would guide me without stressing and worrying that I would make a life altering and horrible mistake.
Marriage and my husband turned out to be the best gift from God I never could have imagined, it’s so much better than I could have ever hoped for! And that’s coming from someone who had said I’d never, ever get married!
Ladies (and gentlemen), please believe me when I tell you that marriage, after following Christ and submitting to God’s plan for me, is the best decision I’ve ever made.
God could well have called me to marriage, but with my free will and deep hurts, I could have easily denied that calling without knowing it, simply by following the path of my fears and of passivity.
Now if you’re called to celibacy, obviously that’s another story. And according to Paul, it’s a higher calling!
But I have met hundreds of amazing young women who tell me that they are starting to wonder if they are called to singleness, or that they are focusing on their career right now and don’t have time for dating, or that they are still waiting for the right guy to come along.
And I hear them. But I also see them. And what I hear and what I see are often extremely different.
I hear the logic. I hear the reasons. I hear the ‘plan.’ I hear the claims that they are just patiently waiting.
But I see the fear. I see the doubts. I see the pain. I see the history that led them to believe on a subconscious or conscious level that marriage is a trap, a ruse, a curse, or a terribly unwise idea. I see the ways they react to things instinctively, and the deep world of emotions and preconceptions that create those reactions.
Most people feel that their decisions are rational. And that after years of mentors, Bible studies, church involvement, and the latest devotional, they must be on track.
But please hear me on this: We all make decisions based on our subconscious emotions. Then we come up with logical reasons to justify those decisions afterward.
David and I quickly became aware that all that was really holding us back from marriage was our fears.
So we got married before we were ready.
Because we knew we never would be ‘ready.’
This might strike some of you as irresponsible. And we certainly had a few people who told us we were moving too fast.
Notably, all of those people were single, and are still single.
The happily married couples we met with told us to go for it; that the essentials were in line and we’d figure out the rest on the journey.
And indeed, that’s exactly what has happened.
If we had waited to have all of the kinks in our relationship worked out, we’d still be dating. Or, we probably would have found some logical reason to break up.
And we’d still be looking for the ‘right’ (read: perfect) ‘one.’
Instead we took each other’s hands and took the leap.
That doesn’t mean it was a shot in the dark. For years I had prepared my broken heart for a lifetime commitment to another flawed human being, as had he.
And before my walk down the aisle, I was not excited, nervous, or trying to make sure I looked perfect. I was supernaturally calm and deep in prayer.
Not for a wonderful marriage. Or a guarantee of ease, fidelity, romance, or growing old together.
I was deep in connecting to God’s assurance that He would have my back in this new adventure, just as He has in every single other one. That all of His other plans for me would still unfold. And that whatever happened, our marriage would honor, glorify, and lead others to Him.
What I had realized was that I never needed to learn how to trust a man. I only needed to understand my pain, understand the true design for marriage, and more deeply learn how to trust God in all circumstances.
As long as I had deep wounds to heal (wounds I wasn’t even aware of), there was no husband in sight for me. And the moment I had finally worked through and released them all, things clicked into place so quickly it was a whirlwind!
So where are you on this journey, gorgeous?
- Do you recognize yourself in the list of excuses for keeping dating at a distance? For waiting and choosing passivity over action, expecting to be dragged into your calling rather than stepping into it?
- Do you recognize the hurts, pain, memories and deep fears that marriage will never actually work, or will be some kind of trap that keeps you from the life you want?
- Have you been prioritizing your health, your career, and your church volunteering for years as a way to avoid the terrifying intimacy of heading toward serious dating and marriage?
- Have you had a series of long-term boyfriends that you’ve broken up with around month 6 or so for a ‘logical’ reason, but you’re wondering if you’re really just running?
- Or are you on the cusp of engagement – breathless, wide-eyed, and about to bolt, Runaway Bride-style?
I have been there, girlfriend.
And I am so glad I finally stepped into marriage, instead of hiding, running, and concocting excuses.
I would love to talk you through whatever stage you’re at. Because I can pretty much promise that wherever you are on this journey, you can go through it with a lot less anxiety and uncertainty, and most likely, much faster progress, if you know what you’re doing.
If you want someone who has spent 15 years studying the ins and outs and ups and downs of intentionally creating an excellent and Biblical marriage, who leapt off the cliff with total peace (after several missteps) and has only found the flight so far to be getting mind-blowingly better, and who has coached dozens of women over their fears, excuses and avoidance into wonderful marriages, I would love to work with you!
Something I have been passionately doing for years that not too many are aware of is intimacy (fears and feelings before marriage, and sex in marriage), dating, and marriage coaching.
And after realizing that the demand for this vastly outweighs all of my other services and offerings, I’m making it openly available again.
If you know that passivity has not worked for you, and the reassurance of other frightened friends hasn’t quelled your concerns that perhaps you’re called to prepare for this adventure more, or you just want someone to help you sort through family of origin influences and other fears, take a look at the description of my coaching.
I’m doing a little Anniversary special till the end of August at almost half price on my normal coaching rates. If you just want to ask – with no pressure, ever – about what I could help you with, book in a free consultation and let’s get you on the path to freedom and fulfillment.
Take action: let’s get you free, gorgeous.
Love and Freedom to you, beautiful!
Jackie
